Success

What does success mean?

Well, Im sitting in this clean room that I pay for with my own money and that I designated as my office (it houses my computer, my sewing machine, and my kettle bell). Im buzzed. Im singing along to The Lumineers. Im happy.

I just updated They Shoot Guides, Dont They? And people seem to like it.

I bought quinoa today and brown rice. Healthy.

Even if this optimism is gone tomorrow, its here with me tonight. Its mine.

Even if Im a spectator to my own life, numb to the ups and downs, at least its turning into a life I like to watch. I did this.

What a nascent, vulnerable feeling. What a sweet, flickering thing that could be doused by the mere, smallest cruelty, bitterness, or jealousy. But tonight, its good.

Ive met people who like me, who enjoy my presence. Things I believed to be true about myself were wrong. They were lies I believed because my brain told me to. Sometimes its okay to admit your brain is the enemy, and you need tools to fight it.

What does success mean? Well, tonight I work on projects with excitement, and not because Im afraid. I want to DO. And CREATE.

I found a new song I like:

I like that you’re broken

Broken like me

Maybe that makes me a fool

I like that you’re lonely

Lonely like me

I could be lonely with you

I met you late night, at a party

Some trust fund baby’s Brooklyn loft

By the bathroom, you said let’s talk

But my confidence is wearing off

These aren’t my people

These aren’t my friends

She grabbed my face and that’s when she said

I like that you’re broken

Broken like me

Maybe that makes me a fool

I like that you’re lonely

Lonely like me

I could be lonely with you

There’s something tragic, but almost pure

Think I could love you, but I’m not sure

There’s something wholesome, there’s something sweet

Tucked in your eyes that I’d love to meet

These aren’t my people

These aren’t my friends

She grabbed my face and that’s when she said

I like that you’re broken

Broken like me

Maybe that makes me a fool

I like that you’re lonely

Lonely like me

I could be lonely with you

Life is not a love song that we like

We’re all broken pieces floating by

Life is not a love song, we can try

To fix our broken pieces one at a time

I like that you’re broken

Broken like me

Maybe that makes me a fool

I like that you’re lonely

Lonely like me

I could be lonely with you

I like that you’re broken

Broken like me

Maybe that makes me a fool

I like that you’re lonely

Lonely like me

I could be lonely with you

 

 

  • Thelovelyband: Broken

 

 

Its lonely to realize a close friend (the closest) has changed, has moved on, has gone so far beyond what you knew of them that the easy confidence of being in their presence has to be faked. OR MAYBE its just that the teen age has ended and now Im nearing 30, and so are they.

(I started writing Demons of the Heart when I was 17)

You know, I thought I was incapable of getting a drivers license

And a high school degree (17)

And a job (19)

And a college degree (25)

And a job related to my degree (26)

Am I bragging? Yes! Im happy for me. Success. Its funny what happens when you decide to stop downplaying your efforts and successes for the sake of other people You realize their issues are really not your problem at all.

Now hopefully this little, miniscule dash of hubris doesnt bite me in the ass LOL.

But for tonight.

Success.

 

Mish mash; Wasting time

1 thought on “Success”

Leave a Reply